Written at 19, between 2004-05. After writing The Dark Alley. Was an experimental attempt to write a larger piece. Terrible attempt.
. . .
A man appears to be sitting on a toilet cover. He seems to be in his early 30’s. Has spiked black hair with tinted blonde shades, light brown eyes. Wearing white shirt with braces that are placed over the shoulders, which are attached to black jeans at the waist back & front, white socks, black shoes & a sliver bracelet around his right wrist. Three buttons of the shirt are open, you could see him wearing a white vest underneath the shirt. The left sleeve of the shirt is rolled up to his forearm. The buttons of both the sleeves are open. He feels as if he is a stranger. He is quiet & confused at the moment.
I was sitting on a toilet cover. My bruised hands were placed over my face. My feet placed on the toilet cover. I was depressed & disturbed but why?
A few hours ago
I was standing in front of a steamed mirror. Head tilted down. I was quiet but confused. I stayed quiet for a few seconds. I felt something was strange about the place. Everything was very silent. I was disturbed but I didn’t know why. Open my eyes. Tilt my head up slowly. Raise my hand forward to put the switch on & so I do. The light was very dim.
I looked into the steamed mirror in front of me. Wiped the steam with my hand. As I do I notice bruises on my knuckles. I was confused. I look at the mirror. I was alone in the mirror’s reflection. I noticed a bruised left eye & a cut on the eyebrow. I had no clue how I had got it. I look at the man in the mirror & mutter a question. ‘Is this real?’ I blink for a second as I do.
An image of a seven or eight-yr-old young child with black long hair over her face emerges in the mirror sitting behind me on the toilet cover. I turn around in a panic but I find no one there. I look back at the mirror, there was only my reflection no one else is. Was it a hallucination? I felt strange.
I look down at the sink. A few razor blades with some kind of thick dark reddish substance on it were in the sink. A thought struck my mind. ‘Was it blood?’ My eyes caught the sight of the floor. There were two empty syringes on the floor. There was some clear, thin, wet unknown fluid beside it, on the floor. There was only small amount of it. Some thin white dry substance or powder was spread on the floor too. There was a black shape blade, a small sliver metal plate & a rolled up bank note containing small traces of the substance. I bend down & touch the substance then sniff it.
I tilt my head up slowly with closed eyes. I felt strange & drowsy. ‘Were they Drugs?’ I wasn’t sure. Was I craving for it? I felt I wanted more of it, but I try to ignore it. I had a feeling that I taken it before but it was strange.
I opened my eyes. I took a peek towards the shower. I see blood in the bath & on the curtain. I blink & see there was no blood. ‘Was it that substance I took?’ I felt effected by it. I choose to walk out of the bathroom but before I do I take one peek around the bathroom.
I see a black 9mm handgun lying on the floor beside the toilet, which I had never realised. The make of the gun seemed unique. A black magazine lays beside it. I was petrified but why? I asked. I looked at the floor. I found an empty bullet shell behind the sink. ‘What was all this relating to?’ I had a headache. I opened the door, switched the light off then closed the door behind me as I walk out of the bathroom.
I was in the room now. Very dark. I was alone & confused. I find a switch. I press on it but the light doesn’t switch on. Fused it seemed. I walk over to a table there was a black plastic flashlight, as it seemed & maybe some batteries beside it. This might help? I pick up the flashlight, opened the back. It was empty. I placed the batteries & switched the flashlight on. The light was bright. It seemed helpful or important for investigation.
I think to myself ‘What do I seek?’ I felt weird in my mind. ‘A hidden secret or a unseen truth should I seek?’ I felt I was missing something but my mind was blocked by something. A mental block was it? I didn’t know. I wanted answers. I felt unaware to where my discovery would lead me. Will I be prepared for the consequences? A feeling of fear came to me.
I placed the flashlight into my left hand pocket of my shirt. ‘What time is it?’ I wondered. I find a clock on a wall, the time read 11:03pm but the small hand on the clock stayed still for some reason. I noticed the table was also piled by rough sketchbooks & strange drawings. I was disturbed by them. There was also a sliver switch knife containing blood & a brass knuckle containing small traces of blood. Had they been mine? An astray contained used cigarettes & grey, white ash but there was blood on it too. Was this real?
There was also a telephone on the table. ‘Does it work?’ I wondered. I picked up the receiver. It seemed it was working. I put the receiver down. I noticed a phone number written on a piece of paper. Whose number could it be? I picked up the receiver & dialled the number. Waited for few seconds for someone to reply.
I got lucky someone picked the phone up & answered. ‘Who is this?’ It sounded like a woman. I asked ‘Who’s speaking?’ She replied, ‘Dr Tatyana Kaufman, I’m a psychiatrist & whom may I ask is speaking?’ I couldn’t remember my name. I replied, ‘Wait a sec…?’ I wondered what should I say. I noticed a picture laying on its back on the floor. There was some writing on it.
I picked up the picture. The writing read, To Al with love from Tatyana. Who’s Tatyana? I turned to the front of the picture. It was a picture of me with a woman, both smiling. She seemed like a doctor, is it her who I am speaking to right now? I answered, ‘My name is Al.’ She replied, ‘Oh hi, how might I help?’ She sounded like she knew me. I replied, ‘I would like to see you now, please, may you drop by?’ she answered, ‘Ok, as you wish Al.’ She puts the phone down & so do I.
I was waiting. As I was I noticed something written over the papers. I wondered what was written on them. I grab of one of them. It read,
He who committed a crime
Not realizing, his hands are stained with blood
He who ended a beautiful life
He is just bad not good
I didn’t know what it was on about. I put it back on the table then grab another one. It read,
What does a mirror need to cast a reflection?
What’s all this referring to? I had headache.
I walked over to a sofa. As I walk towards the sofa I find some empty glass bottles. Some of them were broken, some missing a lid & some lids were lying around. There was some wet, clear & shiny fluid on the floor, different too the substance found on the bathroom floor. ‘Was it water or alcohol?’ I picked up one the bottles to see what it was or it contained. The label read, bacardi. I sniffed it to recognize it by smell. The smell was weird. It seemed like alcohol.
I found a lighter, a fag packet & some white substance on the sofa that seemed like the same dry power or maybe drug found on the bathroom floor. A bunch of opened plastic packets lay on the floor beside the sofa. Again it contained the same substance but they were labelled. I bend down to see what they are. The labels read, cocaine. What were they doing here? I felt drowsy. I felt I wanted to drink some water so I walked to the kitchen.
There were unit doors opened & closed, plates dirty & a few clean, cups & glass broken & some untouched. I wondered why. I grabbed hold of a clean untouched glass. Opened the tap. Clean water ran out. I placed my glass under it. Closed the tap. The glass was half full. I had a sip or two of it. It tasted fine. My head felt a little bit lighter. I caught the sight of the floor. There some broken beer bottles around. I wondered why?
I came out of the kitchen to have some fresh air. I looked at the door leading to the staircase outside. There were to two squared windows. Outside there was some scaffolding to be done by the looks of it. I noticed something about the bottom window, it was steamed but there was image done by maybe a child. I walked towards it.
The outline of the image was of a dog. It was odd. I wiped it off with my hand. I opened the door, stepped out onto the staircase. It was cold outside but I inhaled the fresh air & felt a lot better. I looked down to see any sign of anyone but no luck. Before I walked back in I noticed a man, as it seemed from where I was. Standing still & quiet. He looked up at me. I stared at him. As I did something strange happened that became upsetting.
His arms & legs placed on the wall. I was shaken. He started to crawl on the wall upwards very slowly. Sounds of bones being cracked & twisted I heard. I couldn’t identify him. As he got close at a certain distance I realised. I had mistaken it for being human but I was wrong. It was a dead corpse or more of a deformed creature. Still decaying. Flesh started falling off its body & dropping onto the ground.
I panicked, dropped the glass containing water onto the ground, it shattered, water spilled out. I turned towards the door, walked in & closed it behind me. Heart pounding & frightened I was. What do I do? I waited for it to emerge but it never did. Had it vanished?
What was going on? Are they hallucinations or real? Am I dreaming? What if all this was a dream? I walked over the table, sat on the chair and placed my head on the table. Was I going crazy? I closed my eyes.
I opened my eyes. I am alone. I am nowhere. Wherever I look there is darkness but why? I wonder.
I few pigeons appear from nowhere, all black, flipping their wings real hard and fast from a distance as if racing at maybe me. I closed my eyes.
I opened my eyes, I may have past out, some minutes past but there was no sign of Tatyana. I think to myself. ‘Had she betrayed me?’ I was curious. I noticed a videotape on top of the video with a label on it. I walked over to see the labelling on it. It was labelled in red or…maybe in blood?
It read, After. Referring to what? Should I check what it contains? I was about to place one it into the video but I heard a knock on the door. Was that Dr Tatyana Kaufman? I walked to the door & took a peek through a little circle window in the centre of the door. Dr Tatyana Kaufman was at the door. I opened the door.
She was the woman in the photo, pictured sitting beside me. I blinked. She seemed confused & maybe scared but why? I invited her in but she stood still for a few seconds. I wondered why? She smiled but she seems to be not looking at me. Slowly her body changed. I was shocked to see what she looked now in front of me.
Bruises & blood emerged on her face. She was as if a corpse, still decaying. Instantly meat splits from the body, hits the floor & then disappears. Her skeleton was left but slowly it disappeared too. Shocked & confused I was. Was this real? I blinked again.
There was no one at the door. Was I crazy or was it drugs taking over me?
I walked back to the table, as I do.
Shocking it was, I noticed the telephone wire was cut off. What? If the wire was cut off, how could I talk to someone & get a reply back if there wasn’t any line in the first place?
The deeper I think the more confused I get. I felt as if I was losing my mind & myself. ‘Was I suffering from a mind disorder or a short-term memory?’ I felt crazy or maybe tormented. Was I being unusual or I felt unusual about myself? A fall into insanity was it? I was lost. I felt I was alone in the room or maybe in the whole apartment. What’s going on?
I hear a barking noise out the door it as if the sound was coming from a staircase. What was that? I went to investigate it. I walked to the door, a sliver hatch had it closed but before I open the door, I looked through a little circle window, I see no sign of no one. I removed the hatch, opened the door and walked out the room, leaving the door open behind me. I switched the flashlight off, as it was not that dark outside compared to the inside.
There were black plastic bags down the staircase. The walls were white but there were some graffiti on different parts of the walls. The graffiti seemed as if done by a little child. I look upstairs but notice the sound was coming from downstairs. Before I continue down I take a quick glimpse at them.
The words read, dark, brutality, immorality, Charlie, witness, death & fear. The words appeared to be normal but a few letters were dark & underlined for some reason by the look of it. I didn’t have time to spare or investigate the words or letters. The sounds became loud. I made my way down.
I walk down the staircase very slowly. My hand placed on the wall. In the other hand I held a lit cigarette. Taking a step after step. The sound continued & became louder but I also heard a sound of maybe a weapon or a knife being dragged on the floor. I stayed quiet & calm but I felt cold. Holding my breath. My heart was beating fast & loud. A fear was building inside me. I wanted to stop but I couldn’t. I felt mesmerised. I continued to walk down. I noticed, as I get closer to the noise it became quieter. I was shivering was it because of cold or…. fear?
I take another peek back & am surprised. I see a doghouse covered with bloodstains. ‘What’s it doing here?’ I was confused. I bend down & notice a dog collar. A name printed on it read, Brad. Was it a hallucination? I raised my hand forward & threw the cigarette at the doghouse. The ash fell onto it. It lit on fire there was smoke, bright orangey red fire & than it vanished slowly. The sounds stopped slowly & quietly. Everything became silent.
I switch the flashlight on as I make my way up to the room. There was only silence now.
I walk back up to the room. I stop at the door. I pull out my lighter & cigarette packet out of my pocket. Pull out a cigarette. Before I close the door I take one peek outside. I find silence. I tilt my head down. I lit my cigarette with a lighter, have a drag out it but I sensed something. I take a peek inside. I blow out the white smoke from the cigarette, as I was shocked or scared of what I discovered. ‘What the…?’
I find a weird appearance of a phenomenon of some sort on top of the table. My mouth open wide, the cigarette falls out. It hits the floor. I hold my breath. It was as if it was invisible. It had a dark outline of a human body. It seemed as if it was hung by the neck, but there was no sign of a rope or anything it would be supported by. An apparition it seemed.
I walk up to it slowly. As I do I tread on the lit cigarette, a grey ash leaves a mark. I try to touch it but I fail. My hand goes through it. Before I could ask its purpose it vanishes. What do I do from here on? To found clues I felt I should check out the graffiti I found on the walls.
I grab hold of a notepad & a plastic pen. Walk out of the room, towards the walls containing graffiti & words. The words read, dark, brutality, immorality, Charlie, witness & death. I felt something strange about the letters but I didn’t know what. I noticed the n in witness was dark but not underlined. I in witness was underlined but was dark. What are they relating to or showing me? I was confused.
I wrote out the darkened letters. They spell out, damine. It seems like a puzzle maybe? I worked it out, it was a name damien. Relating to someone? Something was not right. Did I misread the letters & the words? I think there may have been one word missing. I didn’t know. Maybe the symptoms were still taking its affects from that drug I sniffed?
I walked back into the room. Closed the door behind me. “Aarrrhhhhh…” I heard a scream of a little girl. As if she was in pain. I panicked & turned around. Where is it coming from? I looked ahead. It came from the table. I notice a corpse of maybe a little child. Walked forward to see who it was. Slowly walk back step by step, holding my breath. I hear her shouting out as if to me.
She shouts, ‘Please, don’t do it.’ Her voice pitch changes becoming deep as if an unknown creature or ghost was shouting. She adds, ‘Plea…sssse. What have I done? She sounded as if she was frightened by something. I’m going to take you with me. She laughs then cries. I was shocked. As I get closer, she quiets down. I got to the table very slowly. I felt fear running through my veins.
It was a young girl. There was blood over her & the table. I touched her face. It seemed real. I picked her up. As I do her head tilts up, opens her mouth, her white shiny teeth are seen. She opens her eyes. She quickly tilts her towards my face as if she was about to bite me. I quickly let go of her. She vanishes very quickly. I was horrified.
I felt pain in my right forearm as if I had cut myself. I raised my sleeve up. I saw little amount of blood. I had not cut myself but there was hole from which there was blood. A hole maybe by a puncture or maybe the empty syringes I found and also I noticed a tattoo but I wasn’t sure. I walked in the bathroom.
I take off my shirt & vest, put them in the shower. I noticed words maybe that seemed not tattooed but scars on my chest, right forearm, left shoulder. The scars were dark read, small & placed randomly. ‘How could I have got theses?’ Had I done them? The words on my chest were strange.
I looked at the mirror. The words read, bruised, bacardi & syringe. The words on my right forearm read, smack, knuckles, brutal, immoral & blood. Around my shoulder the words read, cocaine, traumatized, beretta, bullet & death. It seemed psychological to me.
I found a plaster & placed it onto the wound. I felt very cold. So put my vest & shirt back on.
I remembered a videotape I found. I felt I should check them out. I went into the room as I walked towards the TV. Mysteriously it turned on by it’s. Unusual? I stared at it. Not realizing that the secret lies in the form of a videotape. Distorted & disturbing it seemed. I was surprised of what was being shown.
I see myself behaving violently. ‘A dark side of me or was it the real me? Was all this real?’ I wondered.
I see myself in the room holding a receiver, maybe talking to someone. I seem pissed in my head & very angry. I glance at the table, notice a switch knife & other items laying on the table. I grab hold of the switch knife, cut the wire from the receiver very violently & drop it on the floor. I place the switch knife on the table.
I then sit on the sofa. Open bottles of bacardi, start to drink it & sniff cocaine. I have a bruised left eye & a cut on the eyebrow. Had I been in a fight? I don’t know. I throw empty bottles on the floor & in the kitchen. I place my hands on my head for some reason but I don’t know why?
About 30 minutes time someone knocks on the door. I walk over to the door. I look through the small circle window. A young girl it seems is at the door. I can’t tell these images were dark & distorted but I assume it was a girl. I open the door & let her in. She walks in.
I instantly grab hold of her neck & pull her towards the table. I place her head on the table & start punching her in the face. She yells but I could not understand what she yells. I keep punching her very hard. Blood sprays the table. Was I crazy?
As I keep at it I punch the table maybe by mistake. I bruise my knuckles. From the table, I notice a brass knuckle, place it on my knuckles & again punch the girl. The TV switches off.
I was shocked & depressed of what I saw.
I had committed a sin. I had taken drugs when I did it. I was a murderer. A sadistic bastard. The blood marks on the table were of my bruised knuckles. I had brutally beaten the little girl to death with fists & those brass knuckles I found, who now appears in front of my eyes.
Her head tilted down & her hair over her face. Dressed up like a patient in a hospital. She was a ghost. ‘Had I been possessed?’ I was disgusted but sorry too. I wanted to make a confession. I kneeled down & confessed. ‘I ask you to forgive me please, I confess I did it but I’m sorry.’ I felt should I have asked for forgiveness or punishment after all I was guilty.
She points towards the bathroom. I look towards the bathroom for a few seconds then look back at her. I feel strange but anxious. I ask her. “What is it?” She replies to me. ‘Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the lord may soul to keep. If I should before I wake. I pray the lord may soul to take.’ I blinked. She had vanished. ‘What did she mean?’ I walked to the bathroom door, opened it & walked in. I was nervous but surprised when I looked inside. A strange discovery was awaiting me.
I breathe heavily. My heart starts to beat loud & fast. I saw a corpse lying on the floor. It smelt rotten. There was a bullet wound on the forehead on the right side. There were bruises on the knuckles of the right hand. It had a bruised left eye. There was blood over its face. ‘Was that me?’ I was paranoid.
There was a strange feeling in my heart. The corpse was wearing white vest with braces attached to black jeans, white socks & a sliver bracelet around his right wrist. A white shirt was lying in the shower containing some bloodstains. Was this real or a hallucination?
I tilt my head down & turn towards the mirror. I look up at the mirror. Place my hands outside the sink. I closed my eyes for a few seconds.
I opened my eyes. I notice the girl stand in the mirror as if she was opposite me. I panic. I felt she was as if she not behind me but in the mirror itself. She walks slowly. I slowly walk a step back. My heart beats hard. I hold my breath & stay silent for a few seconds.
She instantly disappears then emerges standing close distance. I shout out in panic. ‘Oh god.’ Half her body emerges out of the mirror. She grabs me by the shoulders. I wanted to escape but how I was afraid. I felt a rush of fear in my veins. I closed my eyes.
I opened my eyes. I was in front of the mirror. There was no sign of the little girl. ‘Was that again a hallucination I had?’ I was suspicious. I realised my reflection was absent in the mirror. I hesitated. ‘Did my image not appear in the mirror in the first place?’
I walk back in the room to see the videotape. I felt it would reveal what happened after the first event. I felt scared. It was distorted & disturbing, uncovering a stomach-churning truth. I was taken by surprise.
I see myself in the bathroom.
Injecting myself with heroin using the syringes. After I’m done with them I drop them on the floor. Some clear, thin, wet unknown fluid drips out of it. I then roll up a bank note. White dry powder is placed on a small sliver metal plate & beside it is a black shape blade. I place the note to the plate & sniff the powder. I become crazy. Why was I doing all this?
I walk in the room, grab hold of a 9mm handgun. Why? I don’t’ know. Walk back in the bathroom.
I stand in front of the mirror. I seemed obsessed for some reason. I smack a safety in the sink, it breaks, two razor blades drop into the sink. I grab hold of one of the blades. Sit on the toilet cover & start writing on myself. I seem to feel no pain.
I stand up & walk to the mirror. I’m done with the blade so I throw it in the sink. I then glance at the mirror. I see something in the mirror but I don’t know what it is? I hold the 9mm handgun in my left hand. From my left hand I place it in my right hand. For some unknown reason I place the gun to my temple. I close my eyes. A bullet shell falls on the floor & so does my body.
The tape blanks out. I press the stop button. Eject the tape. Place it on the top of the video. It disappears.
I uncovered a truth. A truth so frightening & distressing, I didn’t want to believe it. I found the answers I was seeking but they weren’t satisfying. Intimidating consequences. Agonizing discoveries. Now I had found out what was behind the disturbance. Upsetting & shocking it was. I had never realised before. The silence was broken.
I walk back in the bathroom, maybe to face the dark side that lurks in me.
I stand in front of the mirror. I question the beast in the mirror. A smile emerged. Why? I felt upset. The image slowly disappears.
I was convinced. An upsetting truth I cannot ignore nor escape. Death was inevitable. ‘I was dead.’ I had shot my brains out. I felt I wanted to vomit. It was my corpse lying dead in front of eyes but I refused to accept it. ‘Had I played blind?’ I was shocked & depressed. I never felt my soul was taken out of my corpse. ‘Why?’ strange it was. I felt traumatized. I sense being in pain & agony.
My discoveries were scary to me. The words imprinted on me were relating to me. It was the alcohol, the cocaine & heroin. I was pissed in my head. The human mind was innocent but within very dark & deep at the same time.
Imaginations that was never true. I saw what I wanted to see but I never knew or realised it. I was a ghost all along. I was shattered.
I stared at the window. I had a strange feeling in my heart something didn’t seem right. Some words emerged in blood. It read, Tatyana Kaufman is dead. It then slowly disappeared. I closed my eyes. A flashback emerged. It seemed distorted but a bit clear.
I assumed it was the girl I murdered but I was wrong.
I was talking to Dr Tatyana Kaufman on the phone. I asked if I could see her. She had replied she was with a patient in a hospital. I had insisted her to come. She had replied she would be there.
About 30 minutes time, I heard a knock on the door. I looked through the circle window. It was Dr Tatyana Kaufman. I let her & had brutally beaten her to death.
I remembered the puzzles & the riddles.
The first riddle I found.
He who committed a crime
Not realizing, his hands are stained with blood
He who ended a beautiful life
He is just bad not good
The first line ‘He who committed a crime’ meant I committed a sin. The second line ‘Not realizing, his hands are stained with blood’ meant I didn’t know I was guilty. The third line ‘He who ended a beautiful life’ meant I killed Tatyana. The final line ‘He is just bad not good’ meant I was a sinner. The conclusion to this riddle wasn’t exciting, a murderer. I was the murderer.
The riddle I found which read, what does a mirror need to cast a reflection? The answer was an image. It was referring to the event after I was done with Dr Tatyana Kaufman.
I walked into the bathroom. I remember noticing something in the mirror before I shot myself. It was an image of the same young girl I saw in the bathroom, was found laying on the table then vanished & I had talked to. Who was she? Was she real or an Imagination? I didn’t know.
The second puzzle I found on the wall was hinting something me. The words read, dark, brutality, immorality, Charlie, witness, death & fear. If the letters are spelt out, d, a, m, a, i, d, e then mixed about. The answer to it, I was dead. Indeed I was.
When I saw the puzzle the second time, maybe it was hallucination to confuse me or I may I was misled?
I discovered the truth, shocking & depressing. What could be worse? I was guilty, a crazy murderer & worse…dead. I opened my eyes.
Back in the bathroom
I sat on the toilet cover. My bruised hands were placed over my face. My feet placed on the toilet cover. Miserable & overwhelmed I was. ‘What was my fate?’ Two pigeons appeared above me. I looked up. One was white, which was on my right side & the other was black that was on my left side. A sign of morality or immorality was it? They stayed still but were flapping their wings as if they were flying. I stared at them. The white pigeon disappeared but the black pigeon stayed. By looking at the black pigeon I felt it was relating to me. I was a sinner.
‘Was I being superstitious?’ I felt I may have been but I don’t know. The black pigeon disappeared now. I tilt my head down.
Strange & intimidating it feels. I sense someone or something coming out of the wall on my right side. I tilt my head up then stare at it. At first it seemed like a dark shadow. I tilted my head down & stared at the floor. I tilted my head again but towards it. It was Dr Tatyana Kaufman now standing beside me. She placed her hand on my shoulder. I closed my eyes.
An experience, which was bizarre & terrifying, that I had never imaged before followed on. I heard strange noises of banging, beating, sniffing, & heavy breathing. I also heard males or females or something screaming, yelling, & sobbing. As if they were more than one but what are they?
Words were being spoken in a mysterious language. The sounds seemed as if they were ripping into my eardrums. I felt the supernatural around me. Was I in hell? Not quite…yet. I felt frightened but I stayed quite. Was I about to enter a dark realm that only holds disturbance & depression?